Leading up to the 2016 United States presidential election, the Talkhouse has asked our contributors to weigh in on voting and what it means to them.
— Brenna Ehrlich, editor-in-chief of the Talkhouse Music
Dear Former Secretary of State/Senator from New York/First Lady of the United States Hillary Clinton:
As a proud American citizen, I am humbled that you are taking time out of your super busy campaign schedule to review my policy ideas.
I've been really busy, too. My kids haven't been in any summer camps, so I have to drag them around town while I try to get shit done. One of them talks a lot and the other gets frustrated when I forget his name. But they are really smart, my wife tells me. My wife says “hi,” by the way. She's sitting right here while I write what is likely the most important letter of my lifetime.
This is a tumultuous time in our country, so I've put a lot of thought into how we can get through it and just all be happy and chill with a beer and maybe grab a few more beers after that with the neighbors who have X-Box from what I can see through their basement window. The elder members of my family often remind me that, even though I'm a mediocre musician, I should speak up and be heard. Turns out they were right, because right now I'm pretty sure you are telling your staff to back off and give you an hour to read this inspiring document from Evanston, Illinois. You're from Park Ridge, Illinois, so you probably already know that Evanston is similar to Park Ridge — only like ten times more rad.
Mrs. Hillary Clinton, I hereby humbly submit my suggestions for the 2016 Democratic Party Platform. Thank you for reviewing and considering.
I think these are issues we can all agree on.
- All rock shows must begin at 7:30 p.m. and end at 9:30 p.m.
- All sound checks must occur within two hours of doors.
- All rock shows must occur at venues less than one mile from the hotel.
- All rock band hotels must be in gay neighborhoods. As you know, Senator Clinton, this means the best cafes, bookstores, gyms and raunchy card shops are within walking distance. I can never find erect penis picture birthday cards at CVS or Walgreens. Have you noticed this, too?
- James Taylor must not be filed under "rock music." If you disagree, just listen to the music.
- German rock show audiences must never speak to band members at any time. They had their chance. They blew it every time. Examples spoken from German lips to my American ears: 1) “People really like your new record. I don’t like it.” 2) “Why do you use that amp?” Many more examples can be found here.
- Rock club sound engineers must stop mixing the bass drum ten times louder than any other instrument on stage.
- All rock show promoters in Hawaii must book Bob Mould Band, Superchunk and Split Single a minimum of once per year.
(Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)
