Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.
Hot Love is a column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].
Dear Dave,
What do you think of older women dating younger men?
Signed,
Potential Cradle Robber
Dear Potential,
I’m sure you’ve heard that saying about how “age ain’t nothing but a number.” And while I’m not exactly crazy about the use of the word “ain’t,” I do think there is some truth to it. There’s another saying I like that goes, “It’s not the years, it’s the miles.” That one applies to cars mostly, but also to people (unless of course the car hasn’t been stored properly during the winter months, in which case the years can also come into play. My advice would be to keep a car you love off those salty roads in the wintertime and keep it covered up in the garage until spring rolls around. Now that I think about it, do the same with your heart).
Fun sayings aside, though, I’ve read that, statistically speaking, anyway, most relationships involving a gap of nine years or more in age usually tank. Then again, don’t most relationships tank regardless of age if you really think about it? I guess what I’m trying to say is: go for it. Will it work out? Who knows? You won’t find out if you don’t try. And at the very least, you’ll probably get some fun make-out sessions out of it, which is something that will be nice to sit back and reflect on when you’re old and gray and being fed through a tube.
I’m realizing at this point that I haven’t addressed the specifics of your question regarding the whole older women/younger menness (not a real word) of it all. Why would gender matter either way? It’s 2016. We’re about to have a female president for the first time ever in America. And if we don’t, I’m moving to Norway.
My song for you is “Too Old, Too Cold” by Darkthrone. These guys have got a hot sound and I think you will really like it. Also, they are from Norway, which really ties this whole thing together really nicely for me.
Happy to help,
Dave
Dear Dave,
I really don’t like the way my boyfriend’s feet smell. It’s like… terrible. How can I tell him without hurting his feelings?
Signed,
Whatever the Opposite of a Foot Fetishist Is
Dear Whatever,
I’m going to assume in this case that your boyfriend’s feet smell as a result of poor hygiene and that you don’t think they smell “terrible” simply because you’re not exactly crazy about the scented lotion they put on his feet after the pedicure (although I will admit that this can often be a reason to become enraged). I also wouldn’t worry too much about your boyfriend’s feelings in this scenario. If he’s a skank, he needs to hear it so that he can get on path of the righteous, take a damn shower and put on a pair of clean socks.
In fact, now that I think about it, you should just say, “Danny (NOTE: I am picking a name at random here. Feel free to tailor as needed), your feet smell terrible. You need to get on the path of the righteous, take a damn shower and put on a pair of clean socks.”
If he’s a gentlemen, like me, he will thank you for bringing his skanky feet to his attention and deal with the situation posthaste. If not, set him on fire. No, wait — that’s terrible advice. Don’t set him on fire. Honestly, I would just ask again nicely if that thing about the path of the righteous doesn’t work the first time.
My song for you is “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. The song appeared on their 1977 album Street Survivors. Three days after the album’s release, the band was in a plane crash that killed three members and injured the rest. If that doesn’t get your boyfriend to wash his damn feet, I don’t know what will.
Nailed it,
Dave Hill
Dear Dave,
When’s the best time to define a relationship? How do you know it’s right?
Thanks,
Webster
Dear Webster,
I would say the best time to define a relationship is after butt stuff has come into play.
Whoa… I am so, so sorry about that obnoxious opening sentence. I momentarily got up from behind my computer to help my 87-year-old next-door neighbor with her groceries and my asshole “friend” Don decided to type something in a sad attempt to be “funny.” It won’t happen again.
Anyway, I think the best relationships don’t really require outside definition as they tend to define themselves over time. Then one day you wake up with like six babies and a dog named Mittens who has already eaten the TV remote control twice this week alone. And yet you can’t stay mad at him. In short, if it’s “on,” you will both know it. Mittens will probably pick up on it, too. Dogs can really sense things a lot more than we give them credit for.
My song for you is “Give It Some Love” by Simon Scott. It’s a stone cold jam and if whomever you are dating doesn’t like it, kick ’em to the curb.
Just doing my part,
Dave Hill
