Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.
Hot Love is a column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].
Dear Dave,
I keep dating the same person over and over again. Not literally, but just, like, personality type. I don’t do this intentionally — I don’t think — but I just kind of always end up with the same girl. And she’s obviously not the one for me. How do I break the pattern?
Thanks,
Groundhog Day
Dear Groundhog,
First of all, I want to thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I’m not entirely sure I can help, but dammit, I’m gonna try. Anyway, I want you to make two lists. The first list should be of all the traits of this woman you keep dating over and over again. Include everything: physical traits, personality traits, emotional traits, whether or not she likes Dokken (important) and even what she smells like. Once you have completed that list, I want you to make another list where you write down the exact opposite of each thing written on the first list. When you’re all done, put an ad on Craigslist looking for the woman described in the second list (and mention how women possessing any of the traits from the first list can just forget about responding because your tolerance for bullshit at the moment isn’t exactly great). Try the “m4f” section first and if that gets you nowhere, try posting in “missed connections.” And if that still doesn’t work, try posting in “casual encounters.” However, be sure to keep in mind that a lot of the ads in the “casual encounters” section are posted by prostitutes, con artists and me, so you have to be really, really careful.
If the above idea doesn’t work, why not try to simply meet woman in a different way than you’re used to? If you tend to meet people in bars, for example, try joining a club or activity group that puts you in a new environment that forces you to connect (or not) in a different way than you might after six or twelve Jägerbombs or whatever. I’m just thinking out loud here, but I just reread that last sentence and I can’t believe what a good idea it is!
My song for you is “Changes” by Black Sabbath. You can do it!
Godspeed,
Dave
Dear Dave,
Do you have any advice for being more confident? People say that confidence is attractive, but it seems like a natural thing and not something you can manufacture.
Thanks,
Rudderless
Dear Rudderless,
The rumors about confidence are true. But confidence alone won’t cut it. For an example of this, see Donald Trump. Still, I encourage you to find confidence within yourself, because it can lead to a happier, healthier and much more boneable you. And since I told the last guy to write up a list, I think I’ll stay the course and encourage you to do the same. On your list, I want you to write up all your good qualities, everything you like about yourself, all your accomplishments and maybe even just everything you enjoy in life. And tell that voice in your head that tries to beat you down at every turn to shut the hell up while you’re writing it. You don’t have time for that voice right now, ’cuz you got a motherfucking list to write.
Anyway, once you’ve written that list — and I hope it’s a long one — read it over to yourself and bask in the knowledge that you are one badass motherfucker whose only job in life is to be the best you you can possibly be, a job for which there is no competition because you are the only you and no one else on earth in the history of time has ever come close.
Once you’ve done all of the above, put on some headphones, plug them into your portable music device, crank up Motörhead’s Ace of Spades album and go for a walk so others can also bask in this new, confident and beautiful you, who, it turns out, was totally inside the whole time. And let’s just hope you don’t catch anything from all that sex you’re gonna be having. Oh, man.
My song for you is — duh — “Ace of Spades” by Motörhead.
Nailed it again,
Dave Hill
Dear Dave,
I met someone I really like, but I’m not sure my family would get along with her. I’m worried about getting too serious, then bringing her home and causing a lot of drama. Do you have any experience with this?
Looking forward to your answer,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
Based on the information you have given me, there are three possibilities here: A) Your new lady is a nightmare. B) Your family is a nightmare. C) Your lady and your family are both totally great and this is whole thing is in your head and not a valid concern at all. Regardless of the correct answer, you must forge ahead and act as if the answer is definitely C, because you ain’t got time for that bullshit. No one does. Life is short and soon we will all be dead, replaced by future generations with much more advanced phones than we currently have. In light of this, you must focus on the things that matter in life, and this is definitely not one of those things. If your girlfriend loves you and you love her and your family loves you and you love them, everything is going to be totally fine, and if it isn’t, you and your lady can always hop in the car and go to Bennigan’s or something until things calm down back at the house.
And as for your question about whether I have any experience with this, the answer is “no,” because I ain’t got time for that bullshit neither.
My song for you is “I Don’t Care” by Black Flag, because you totally shouldn’t in this case.
Nailed it once more,
Dave
(Header image: Dan Schmatz)
