Hot Love is a column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to hotlovecolumn@gmail.com.
Dear Dave,
What's the best way to get over a broken heart?
Signed,
Ugh
Dear Ugh,
Trust me when I tell you I have soooo been there. I mean, not a lot, as you can probably imagine, but at least a couple of times in my life. As for me, I have found spending time with the people you love (specifically friends and family, not the bastard who just broke your heart — that would not only be weird but just make matters worse. Also, good luck getting him or her to agree to it) and doing the things you love as often as possible can soften the blow until it’s no longer a blow at all. It’s also helpful to take a good look in the mirror and say to yourself: “You sexy motherfucker! You keep walking around looking so delicious and somebody’s gonna kidnap you and put you in a candy store window!” Then just wink and walk away from the mirror for a little bit until you feel like you might need to do that again. I find every four hours or so is helpful, even when my heart is totally fine.
Anyway, aside from everything I just told you, one good thing to remember is that having your heart broken is one of the most common of all human experiences. In fact, feel sorry for the poor bastard who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart, for he or she has simply not lived.
I got a good feeling about you, Sugar (whether you are a woman or a dude, I am still calling you Sugar. I need you to be cool with that). You’re gonna be alright.
My song for you is “I Don’t Want to Get over You” by Magnetic Fields. It’s catchy and I think you’ll be able to relate.
Hugs,
Dave
Dear Dave,
All of my friends are single and I'm in a relationship. I feel like I can't do anything fun with them anymore because they're all constantly looking for someone to hook up with. What do I do?
Thanks,
Confused
Dear Confused,
It sounds like your friends are a bunch of real horndogs. Or maybe just maybe a little too desperate to hook up. Don’t worry, though, I got no beef with you. In fact, you seem great. Getting back to your friends, though. If they are constantly looking for someone to hook up with, I’m guessing their success rates aren’t that high, which is why they must constantly keep a line in the water instead of heading back to the house with a cooler full of freshly caught rainbow trout that will later be grilled to perfection and enjoyed amongst loved ones, preferably with a few delicious side dishes and maybe a tallboy or two, all while wearing a sweater or some other fun top that gives off a warm, woodsy feeling. I’m sorry — it’s just now occurring to me that my fishing analogy got away from me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe you should just grab lunch, play racquetball or do some other daytime activity with your friends until they finally calm the fuck down, settle into a relationship of some sort and/or start losing their sex drive, and start making themselves available for dinner, drinks, obscure French films, WNBA games, and whatever else might possibly happen at night. In the meantime, spend your nights with that special someone you referenced in the first sentence of your query. If you email me your location, I will send you a gift certificate for unlimited riblets for the two of you at any Applebee’s location within fifty miles of your home. Talk about fun.
My song for you is “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5. A funny/annoying thing would be to sing it into all your friends’ voicemail boxes in its entirety. Do it while enjoying those riblets. Everyone in your section at Applebee’s will love you for it.
Glad I could help,
Dave
Dear Dave,
My partner and I don't share the same taste in movies, music or even friends sometimes. Ninety percent of the time it's not a problem, but every once in a while we can't decide on how to spend our free time because we can't agree on something fun to do or see. Help?
Looking forward to your intelligent response,
Opposites Attract
Dear Opposites,
I don’t like to use this sort of talk, but my quick answer for you is to use that ten percent of the time where you can’t decide how to spend your time together to maybe pork or just take a nap. And if agreeing to do either of those things still seems difficult, I would just stay the course and do one of those things anyway. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stretched out on a bed or a couch, seemingly wide-awake and full of energy, and I’ll be out cold in a matter of minutes. And don’t even get me started on how many times I’ve thought or even said, “I’m not in the mood,” only to find that even the slightest amount of friction on my downtown real estate has got me reporting for duty in no time flat.
Anyway, if neither of those things work, why not just open a can of Pringles and see where that gets the two of you? That’s another thing where people might act like they don’t want any and then next thing you know they’ve eaten like the whole can like a goddamn slob. Healthy or not, they just taste good and that thing where you make a duck beak out of two of the chips never gets old.
My song for you is “Stuck with You” by Huey Lewis and the News. This is just one more example of something that everyone is into even when they say they are not.
I did it again,
Dave
