Dave Hill is a comedian, writer, musician, and highly boneable public figure. He is the author of the book Tasteful Nudes (St. Martin’s Press, 2012), host of The Goddamn Dave Hill Show on New Jersey’s WFMU-91.1, frequent contributor to This American Life and singer-guitar player for the power-pop band Valley Lodge. His new comedy album Let Me Turn You On is available now, as is his second collection of essays, Dave Hill Doesn’t Live Here Anymore (Penguin/Blue Rider Press). Dave also smells incredible and can play sweet guitar solos without even really trying. You can follow him on Twitter here.
Hot Love is a new column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].
Dear Dave,
My girlfriend and I broke up, but we have a lot of mutual friends. It feels really awkward to hang out with them now, though, because I just keep thinking whatever I do will eventually get back to her and I’m not sure how to act. Help?
Thanks,
Watching My Back
Dear Watching,
Sorry to hear about the breakup. Life — am I right? Anyway, as far as your “mutual friends” go, if you have to worry about whether or not whatever you do will eventually get back to your ex-girlfriend and you’re not even sure how to act around these people, are they really your friends? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would avoid whipping my dick out in the middle of a night out at Bennigan’s with them or something. (Seriously? Why would you do that? Get it together, sicko! I can tell you from experience that the management isn’t even slightly OK with that sort of thing.) But if they are really your friends, you should feel comfortable just being yourself and knowing they wouldn’t have it any other way. And if you’re not, maybe kick ’em to the curb and meet some new friends at Bennigan’s, or anywhere really, the more I think about it.
All of the above said, it is worth considering that maybe you’re feeling a little shell-shocked, your ex and your mutual friends are fine folks, and this is all in your head. Take a deep breath and assess the situation carefully, preferably over some of Bennigan’s delicious Original Recipe Broccoli Bites, priced to move at a location near you.
My song for you is “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell. It’s unstoppable. Like you.
Just doing my part,
Dave
Dear Dave,
How am I supposed to feel sexy now that Prince has died?
Signed,
Controversy
Dear Controversy,
Prince was the king (no pun intended). And I felt exactly the way you’re feeling for a solid fifteen minutes at least after I heard the news that he had gone on to that great Paisley Park in the sky, presumably on a unicorn with at least one smoking hot, mostly naked chick on the back. But then I remembered something: Prince didn’t just make us feel sexy, he taught us how to be sexy, pretty much all the time. And now, to celebrate his life and memory, it is your job to feel sexy without even really trying, basically. I find it helps to slip on a pair of leopard print underwear and strut around the house in those and not much else at the start of each day (and ideally the rest of the day, too). And if you need a little music to get you in the mood, Prince recorded roughly seven thousand songs for you to choose from. What are you waiting for you, you sexy, sexy thing?
My song for you is “Darling Nikki” by Prince. You asked for it.
I could never take the place of your man,
Dave
Dear Dave,
I don’t drink, so dating can sometimes be awkward, especially because everyone wants to go to bars all the time. How can I broach this subject with potential dates without scaring them off or bringing everything down?
Thanks,
Stop Hammertime
Dear Hammertime,
As I hope you already know, it’s perfectly fine not to drink. And while I drink myself, I’ve taken breaks from it in the past just to let the fog lift and get my hair just right, so I know what it’s like to hang out in a bar stone sober while everyone else gets hammered — the lights seem a little brighter, the music a little louder, and time slows to a crawl. In short, it can be a real drag, bro. But the good news is there is plenty of other stuff to do on dates besides hang out in bars: going to the movies, hitting a putt-putt course, hanging out and listening to Motorhead, or maybe just pulling into an alley and making out until the cops tell you to beat it. I’m sure you can come up with something.
As far as broaching the subject of not drinking goes, why do you need to? I don’t eat ham sandwiches (among other things), but I think this is probably the first time I’ve ever brought it up to anyone (Shhhh…this is our little secret). No one should care that you don’t drink. It’s just a beverage, for chrissakes. And if they do care, that’s their problem. Whether or not you want to hang out with someone who cares one way or another is up to you.
My song for you is “Straight Edge” by Minor Threat, a stone cold jam if there ever was one. Also, the lyrics are great and cover a lot of good stuff I forgot to mention because I have a horrible hangover right now.
Nailed it,
Dave
