Our rich media landscape is bulging with takes both articulate and impulsive on the looming threats and bounties AI has promised us. I, for one, welcome decades of interesting perspectives on AI and its place in our world. As far as AI and music, I’m honored to throw my hat into the ring of discourse. Opining on one of our most pressing matters requires a deft hand and a gentle touch, but we must get to the core of what is happening, especially in regards to the already tenuous stability of the music industry.
Let’s get into it: holy fucking guacamole, the thing that I actually cannot stand is when the villains insist on also being a part of the club MAN OH MAN this drives me insane, Suno — not your grandpa’s AI Music Platform, the excellent modern service that has likely spent over a million marketing bucks so that the word “generative” comes up when you look them up and not “creative manslaughter,” that groovily titled relevant tech guy AI music startup founded by brain genius Mike Shulman, who last year made the grand mistake of opening his mouth and saying:
“It’s not really enjoyable to make music now… it takes a lot of time, it takes a lot of practice, you need to get really good at an instrument or really good at a piece of production software. I think the majority of people don’t enjoy the majority of time they spend making music.”
Whoopsie daisy, Mike, maybe next time develop a generative program that takes every word in the dictionary and prompt it to write you a mission statement for your innovative and essential product that doesn’t completely show your hand of being ignorant to the absolute magic of a time-tested (key word time) human creative experience but YES, by all means, please take the already struggling industry of recorded music and crack open the door to make it more available for a billion people to participate in it because I suppose my only complaint as a working musician in 2026 is that there’s not quite enough people releasing music right now and too much of it is high quality, so thank you, Mike, for saving the day JUSSSSSSST TAKE A VACATION stop meddling in the affairs of the music makers, music being the purest thing on planet earth, besides water — and boy oh boy does Suno love music and water, it just gobbles it up — our resources are finite you absolute dolts, just take your startup cash and go search for a new planet — but back to the villains wanting to be in the club, to be in the mix, to be anything but the villains that they are because Suno feels bad, Suno want to prove that Suno can feel a feeling, Suno just want to… love… Suno sad that Suno take jobs away from musicians who spent stupid hours practicing stupid instruments so Suno create, drumroll drumroll beep boop beep bzzz drumroll, a GRANT!!!! Yes, that’s right, a grant, a little bit ‘o money for actual artists using the generative power of their brains and hearts to make their art funded by money siphoned from artists who could be making a living off their musical abilities (see: commercial sync licenses; see: composing for scores; see: actual visibility for streaming revenue in an already crowded digital marketplace; see: alllllllllllll the money raised by Suno which would have a higher likelihood of getting its investors into heaven if they dropped it in hats and buckets in front of subway performers) oh whooooooop dee dooooo problem solved, you’re throwing some scraps back to, checks notes, “The Next Generation of Independent Artists,” yes, the grant is called Spark and it concerns itself with “Supporting The Next Generation of Independent Artists,” now sure that gives my already fragile ego a bit of a wet willy because I’m at best a member of the current generation and not the “next” one, but fuck me if I’m not going to poke at this thing lest the valuable members of, checks notes, THE NEXT GENERATION OF INDEPENDENT ARTISTS trade in their integrity for 10 grand from a company worth, checks notes, FIVE POINT FOUR BILLION DOLLARS, cue Dr. Evil Meme gif cue Hindenberg explosion cue Michael Jordan dunk clip cue video of Mike Schulman throwing his ukelele and his $500 “ukelele tuner for founders” into the trash can, you are not helping you are not helping you are not helping you cannot possibly be helping, you goons, you absolute wastoid goons, this service solves a problem that didn’t exist, because the privilege and joy of making music was and is always available to everybody, and you can achieve it with a human voice underneath a resonant tunnel in the park or two rubber bands and a strong soled boot more successfully than with a data center powered by what I assume are disappeared members from various KPop groups in a Peloton dungeon, so what that before now, this incredible moment in modern history, we were unable to find out what it would sound like if Daft Punk made music like people who wore jaunty top hats instead of shiny helmets, with kazoos instead of sequencers, MAYBE WE NEEDN’T PLAY GOD WHILE THE GREAT AMERICAN WEST BURNS AND YOU USE UP ALL THE WATER YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOLISH EGOTISTICAL KUMQUATS, “Now Adam,” you might be saying, “what if there are benefits,” buddy I’m sorry but after all these years I just believe too strongly in a pro/con list to make up our minds about something and Suno is con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con con, come on, we could be eating tacos while Norteña music blasts out of the kitchen and experience genuine bliss at the benefit of a human hand and instead every which way we look we are being bludgeoned by the remnants of some exhausting conversation about AI and who honestly has the energy for nuance at this point who has a morsel of energy to devote to punctuation we simply must double down on tripling down on being haters because that’s what keeps our love in tact that that THAT is what will keep the majesty of music on the mountaintop where it has always been long before it could be bought and sold, there’s harmony in the air and you want to tell me about your $400 Million raised in series D Funding, cool guy CEO guitar-mounted-to-the-wall-behind-your-head-havin’ Mikey Shulman, NO WAY I’m not humoring your blog where you claim:
“In the coming months, we’ll begin rolling out our first music model developed in partnership with the music industry. We believe there’s a huge opportunity to create new experiences for fans while helping artists reach audiences, build community, and unlock new creative and economic possibilities.”
Buddy oh buddy if you think the music industry has ANNNNNYTHING to do with the joy of making music then you’re truly saying the loud part out loud, but I’ve got good news for you and great news for us, you are building community and it is generative, this community, because every ridiculous claim made by you the villain and your team of salaried henchpersons about how what you’re doing is for the good of breathing people, every ding dong attempt you make at not being the bad one, brings the rest of us closer together in a growing unified front against weaponized creativity aiming to turn every human soul into a “creative,” buzz off we are stronger than you because we believe in the good of the good thing and are not trying to invent a problem when there are already so so so so so many other problems that could be addressed with your $400 Million Series Deez funding my dude please please please please please please please please please please please please please accidentally turn Suno into a healthcare organization for working musicians and I’ll apologize for the mean thing I said before about the guitar mounted behind your head on Zoom calls I really will because what I am hoping to avoid is the press release one year from now where you announce the artists who have received a Suno Spark Grant and these Next Generation of Independent Artists are revealed with smiles stapled to their faces because the grant includes a non-disparagement clause which is to say if the only way you can have an artist proudly release music with Suno and not say anything bad about Suno is to pay them thousands of dollars then maybe it’s better to just admit you’re the villain and spend those thousands of dollars on a cool Cruella de Vil car and awoogah yourself into a Soho House somewhere while the rest of us sing “We Are The Champions” and bang on pots and pans and feel the vibration of the wooden spoons in our hands and our blood will be dancing and the sun will set on a party where everyone is invited even you, yes even you, and you, and you, and you, and
