Matt Braunger was raised in Portland, Oregon and exposed to a lot of art there, both high and low. After graduating with a Bachelor of Fine Arts from a small NYC college called Manhattanville, he moved to Chicago and chose to do the low kind (comedy). He studied under Del Close (the father of modern improv), was kicked off his improv team for refusing to take further classes, and clumsily pivoted to stand-up comedy (the lowest of the low). That was 20 years ago. Since then he’s performed on every Late Night show on television, has had two comedy specials on Comedy Central, and one on Netflix. His three comedy albums (Soak Up the Night, Shovel Fighter, and Big Dumb Animal) are among the most listened to on internet and streaming radio. In 2007 Matt co-founded one of the most beloved comedy festivals in the country, Portland’s Bridgetown Comedy Festival. On its tenth anniversary, he recorded his new comedy special, Finally Live in Portland, during the fest in a former porn theatre, The Paris. FLIP is out via Comedy Dynamics and on streaming services everywhere, including Amazon Prime, iTunes Store, and many more.
Braunger’s latest endeavor is a podcast called “Advice from a Dipshit with Matt Braunger,” available on Spotify, Stitcher, Apple and everywhere else. In each episode, Braunger hears messages left for him by people wanting advice, then doles it out from a well-meaning dipshit’s perspective.
Matt lives in Los Angeles now but goes back to Portland every chance he gets.
Hey everybody, welcome back to Dragon Times Recap. Here we are at episode 4. Last week’s ep. was brutal. I’m still suffering PTSD from trying to see who or what was getting killed or eaten in the darkness lit vaguely by torches. Old Gladiator, no! [Ed. note: Jorah Mormont]
Dammit! He’s the first dead body they show?? OG, we’ll miss you. You too, Redeemed Coward with No Penis [Theon Greyjoy], says Lady Sansa. Everybody is bummed. Who is playing sad music on a violin and why hasn’t he been killed? Jeez, that’s a lot of dead bodies. Whose idea was it to stack them like Lincoln Logs? Oh right, they’re gonna to burn them, that’s why.
Jon Snow gives a speech full of anger and sadness honoring their dead. He’s basically daring anyone to interrupt him. “NOW! Now you know what it’s like to be ALWAYS! SAD! LIKE! ME! JON! SNOW!”
Daenerys: “That’s not your real last name.”
Jon: SHUT! IT!
Where’s Arya, by the way? Side note: My parents are in town and they have only seen the first two seasons, so I’m not only writing this as I watch it, I’m explaining to them everything that’s happened. And who everybody is.
Ah, the smell of burning soldiers in the morning. Makes me hungry — Hey! IT’s dinner time.
Blacksmith Joe [Gendry] is somehow sitting at dinner with Arya’s kinda-dad Hound, who tells him he should thank Arya for the sex. Hound is always gross, like his face. Gendry gets up, and is immediately put on the spot by Dae Dae, who threatens him but then gives him a title: Lord Gendry, The One Who Everybody Cheers. Hound doesn’t even get up. No one gives a fuck less than the Hound. But he’s also gross.
Dinklage swaps some sarcasm with Dae. Jaime and Big Bad Lady [Ser Brienne of Tarth] have a drink, because Jaime is down to get wasted. Crusty Old Soldier [Davos Seaworth] has a convo with Dinklage about old wars, who basically says “Everything always sucks, bro.” Hound grabs another pitcher.
Tyrion has a funny convo with the bummer vision kid [Brandon Stark]. Everybody’s getting wasted. Redhead Savage [Tormund Giantsbane] says that barfing is celebrating. I was Redhead Savage in college. Jamie is getting faded. So is Brienne, as she’s smiling. Wait, are they playing “Never Have I Ever”?
Redhead is toasting Jon for getting killed for the wildlings. That’s a crazy party story: “Yeah, I linked up with my sworn enemies and got killed. Now I’m here!”
“Sir, you’re cut off.”
Seriously, how bad is that wine? How brutal are their hangovers? I once drank like eight bottles of really bad wine on a train with five other people I was backpacking through Europe with. When we got to the station in Nice, we all but fell off the train, dumped our bags at a hostel, and kept drinking more. The next day I felt like I’d been stabbed in the head with a wine knife. People in Dragon Times probably feel like that every day.
Dae Dae is bumming. Probs because she lost a dragon.
Ah, it’s not “Never,” they’re just guessing about each other. Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and makes it all super weird. She goes to pee, but RedHead butts in and messes up the “And the cab driver shit in my pants” joke. She goes to the bathroom and Jaime tries to follow, like a creep. He’s crying on….the Hound? Wrong shoulder, man. A lady comes up to RedHead and takes him away for some frantic, wide-eyed, whiskey dick action. Hound wants wine, not sex, so his gal leaves. Sansa sits down for a heart-to-heart. Whoa, Hound must be wasted. He’s smiling. Sansa admits she regrets nothing, which is crazy. She was married to the worst guy in the history of the world.
Blacksmith Joe gets stopped by Arya’s arrow narrowly missing him. She knows fear gives him a boner. He admits his love to Arya. Holy shit, he’s getting down on one knee! BJ is a real gent. She gives him a big smacker and shits on his heart. “I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel,” she says. Boo, that’s a bummer.
Jaime shows up unannounced to Brianne’s place, pours her a drink, and she drinks it. He then drunkenly takes off his jacket and says, “I hate the fucking North.” Bad boy, that one. Probably bones his sister or something. Oh man, he’s going for the “Hey, it’s so hot, I gotta take my shirt off” move. Whoa, she’s into it. That’s some strong wine. Haha she’s taking his shirt off like he’s a teenage girl and she’s the quarterback. Aaaaaand time to fuck!
Dae and Jon back at the crib. “Are you drunk?” “Uh, yeah! We fought off the zombie pirates!” Seriously, I would drink all the barrels dry. This whole episode should be slurred. Remember when I wondered where all the sex was last episode? It’s back. Oh wait, Jon isn’t into it. His secret is getting in between their genitals. Bummer. He doesn’t want the throne, Dae says it doesn’t matter. Oh man, she tells him to swear he’ll never tell. This is a real test, this one. Your girl or the truth? He’s going to pick the truth. This dude literally cannot pick the thing that won’t make him sad. He lives to brood!
Boy, I hate when my lady gives me an ultimatum when I’m drunk. “Babe! I juss ate 50 hot wings!” “Tell no one.” “But babe!” “NO ONE!”
Now it’s time for a hungover game of Risk. Sarcasm Bald Robes [Varys] is saying Cersei is losing allies, but they all know they have to take King’s Landing. Wait, their plan is to hope the people revolt? Oh man, that way never works. Sansa says everybody needs to chill out but Dae is annoyed. It’s a tough call. The longer you wait, the stronger the enemy gets, but everybody almost got eaten by pirate zombies from hell. They need time to drink more, and cry. I definitely would need a month. In Cancun. Dae gives a speech and walks off. Arya blocks Jon.
They’re back by Photo Opportunity Tree. [The weirwood tree at Winterfell.] They want to ditch Dae, or at least they don’t trust her. It’s tough when nobody likes your girlfriend, not that I’d know. They call him a full brother. Oh man, he wants to tell them so bad. Smug Vision Boy [Bran] says it’s his choice. Oh man, he’s gonna break. Jon, you dummy! “You gotta swear you’ll never tell” is the same as saying “You gotta swear you’ll tell someone and make them swear they’ll never tell.”
Jaime and Tyrion are having patch-em-ups in the bar alone. Tyrion wants to know what Brienne’s junk is like. Ew, Dink. Gross. Bron rolls in because people are talking crudely about sex and that’s his thing. He punches Tyrion in the face and points his crossbow at Jaime. Now we’re partying. He wants a hook up. Tyrion’s down, but Jamie is like, “Fuck this guy.” Dude, you’re gonna catch an arrow. Tyrion promises him Highgarden, which I guess is like Pasadena. Real high quality of life and a choice stadium for football.
Hound is riding a Clydesdale, eating dragon jerky, and Arya rolls up to ruin his day with a father-daughter convo. They ride off to nowhere together to talk killing and war.
“You gonna leave me to die again if I get hurt?”
“Probably.”
That’s my girl.
Dae is playing with her dragons. Sansa watches, looking kinda jelly. Tyrion’s nose has magically healed so he goes to talk to her. “You GOTTA stop hating on the queen. She’s basically our Beyonce.” “I want to be Bey.” “Only Dae can be Bey. She’s Bae.” Oh, she wants to tell Tyrion so bad. If he learns what she knows, though, his beautiful curly head will explode. Oh fuck, she’s gonna tell him. Jon is so dumb, man.
Redhead SadCrazy [Tormund] is leaving, and he’s taking the dire wolf. Jon says goodbye.
“What does it eat?”
“Souls.”
They give each other a meaningful look, the best thing a tough guy can give another tough guy. Sam and his kinda wife are now there to say goodbye. Where are these guys going? They tell him they want to name him Jon if their kid is a boy. “I hope it’s a girl,” says Jon, “because my name is Jon and I’m always sad.” Shit, even dire wolf is sad. That wolf is a good actor. Side note, I know a guy in Denver with one of those and it walked in on me at one of his parties while I was high as hell. Funny now, scary at the time.
Worm and his gal [Grey Worm and Missandei] are at sea. They party and celebrate by breathing in salty air.
Tyrion is still drinking wine. My man doesn’t let up. He’s chilling with Baldy, who is leaning into the “Jon for King” thing too. Oh wait, Ty told Baldy. Whoops! This whole thing is a monkey wrench thrown into the gearworks of the war against Cersei.
Anchor drops. Dragon ride! Oh no! One of the dragons catches a bunch of arrows!!! It’s Bad Boy Sailor [Euron Greyjoy] and his crew with a mega crossbow. Dang, now they’re down a dragon. They unleash a ton of giant arrows. I guess that’s BBS’s new jam, giant arrows. Tyrion jumps overboard, maybe too drunk to fight? A bunch of guys wash up on shore, all their boats are fucked. Grey Worm can’t find Missandei. She can’t be dead, man! Bummer again.
Cersei is pleased at the destruction, and her and Bad Boy are already talking babies. When you know, you know. Ya know? Cersei’s plan is to get innocent people in between her and Dae, so Dae has to kill innocents. Ah, they have Miss, who’s pretty shook up. Hey, at least she’s still alive.
Baldy is telling Dae not to attack. Think of the innocents! “I beg you, your grace, do not destroy the city you came to save!” Solid line. “It’s the world I’m here to save, bro, not just that castle.” Aw shit. Worm is going to go out so hard. Tyrion asks that she talk to Cersei. She’s down. That’s going to be a bad bitch bad bitch-off for the ages. Can’t wait.
Tyrion is drinking again, talking with Baldy about the folly of leaders. Baldy says they gotta spill the beans. “We’re discussing treason!” Definitely someone who doesn’t want the throne is probably best for the throne, but then again Trump didn’t run for President to win he did it for attention and look where we are now. Dragon Times don’t look so bad now. Baldy feels alone, as Tyrion has drunk the “Queen is best” Kool-Aid (as well as two gallons of wine). Oh shit, Baldy is going it alone. Tyrion: “Please……. Don’t.” It’s the same thing I say when I’ve been drunk and someone asks me to do something.
Now it’s day again and Jaime barges in on Sansa and Brienne. Brienne tells Jamie what happened out at sea. Bummer. Now it’s night again. Oh, evidently Jamie had some sad-time sex with Brienne. “We lost how many ships? Crap. Let’s bang.” He can’t sleep so he does to talk to his horse like Gene Autry. Brienne comes outside to cheer him up grabbing his head like a baby’s. She begs him to stay. He decided to tell her all the brutal stuff he’s done (crippled a boy, strangled a guy, etc.) for Cersei. “She’s hateful, and so am I.” He rides off, leaving Brienne crying. You never forget your first!
The Unsullied are in formation with Dae at the gates. Cersei looks down from on high. Miss is crying.
My mom: “Man, those crossbows are amazing.”
It’s a face-off!
Constantly Robed Old Mystic Guy [Qyburn] walks out. Tyrion goes to meet him. They talk terms. “Queen Daenarys demands your boss unconditional surrender.” “Same!” Cersei is gonna kill Missandei unless there’s a surrender. They agree on something: The screams of burning children is unpleasant. Tyrion gets tired of talking and walks up to Cersei. He’s definitely full of liquid courage, this guy. She raises her hand…. and can’t do it. Peter Dinklage is too handsome to kill. He gives a nice speech. “You hate your people, and they hate you, but you’re not ALL bad…” Whoa, he basically threatens her unborn child. Yeesh! Cersei grabs Miss in what looks like a merciful…
Oh wait, she asks Miss for any last words. Miss looks at Worm and says “Drakai?” I gotta look that up. [“Dracarys,” a Valyrian word for “dragonfire,” presumably because she wants Dae to burn the whole place down.] The Mountain, being the worst, cuts off her head. Okay, I’ve written “bummer” like five times in this, but that was really awful. Miss was the sweetest.
THIS IS WAR NOW FOR REAL!
What I want to happen: Worm kills the Mountain in front of Cersei and she gets as sad as Jon Snow.
What will probably happen: Cersei wins and Worm gets killed by the Mountain in a really disturbing way.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
