Hot Love is a new column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to hotlovecolumn@gmail.com.
Dear Dave,
Over the past year or so I’ve had my guts wrenched out of my body, stomped upon, returned to my torso, and then repeatedly stabbed with a javelin. You know, metaphorically.
It’s terrific to know that I am capable of feeling so many things, often all at once, but on the other hand, acute emotional pain is getting a little tedious and is wreaking havoc on my skin. While intellectually I know everything will get better, I feel like shit, and I was hoping you might use your visionary love wizard powers to sketch out what a path to semi-sanity, relative peace and non-barfy-ness in the face of prospects of new love might look like.
Or you could at least point me to some reliable websites or apps that have spells to inflict non-fatal but extremely uncomfortable — preferably venereal — diseases upon those who truly deserve it. I’m open to anything, really.
Thanks in advance,
A Sad Sack in Practically Canada
Dear Sad Sack,
Let me start off by saying I’m glad you added “metaphorically” to the first part, because at first I was just like “No way!” I was on the track team in grade school and I know those javelins can really smart. Anyway, it sounds like you have been on quite the roller-coaster ride (you know, metaphorically) lately. Also, you might want to swing by a urologist or at least a general practitioner to see exactly which diseases, venereal and otherwise, you might be packing. Take it from me: the people at the bus station always ask eventually. If the list is long, you might want to get it printed up on business cards just to save time with the chitchat.
As far as getting you to stop feeling like that and eventually making your way back to the Bone Zone, I suggest joining one of those running clubs. Yes, running sucks (at first, anyway), but there’s nothing like some serious cardio to turn your mood around. Your body releases endorphins and, next thing you know, you are putting that gun back in the drawer and maybe even going out for brunch or something. And if you join a running club, odds are there are going to be some prospective mates running along with you with whom you will already have one thing in common: running. From there, you start asking questions, like, for example, if they, too, are into Dokken and if they want the original lineup to get back together as much as you do. Seriously, what’s the hold up, guys? Why can’t Don and George just bury the hatchet already?
As for the “websites or apps” you mention, being an internationally wildly famous person, I’ve never used those myself, but I’ve heard good things. Regardless, the important thing to remember is that you must free yourself from desire, which is to say, don’t even think about wanting to meet someone and get up to some porking or whatever, just be the best you you can be, and next thing you know you are getting the pies and cakes three times a week at least.
Finally, don’t avoid that barfy feeling in the face of new love, as you mention. That is the best part!
Anyway, I hope this has all been remarkably helpful. The song I choose for you is “Running Free” by Iron Maiden, one of the best songs, basically. It is good to listen to while running, driving, porking or just whenever, really.
Glad I could help,
Dave Hill
Dear Dave,
I want to ask my boyfriend to marry me, even though that's not the cultural norm. Any tips?
Hope to hear from you soon,
Hopefully going to the chapel
Dear Hopefully,
Do you use birth control? If you answered “yes” to this question, just stop using it and don’t tell your boyfriend next time you, well, you know. Hahahaha. I am kidding. Anyway, if I were you, I would just say, “Hey, Don, will you marry me or what?” next time you’re at wing night or wherever, really. I mean, don’t get down on one knee or anything. Play it cool. In fact, you could just elbow him right before asking. And if you would rather use his name instead of calling him Don, I’m totally cool with that (unless, of course, your boyfriend’s name is, in fact, Don, in which case just stick with Don to avoid further confusion). I guess my point is, cultural norms are made to be broken. Most of them are bullshit, anyway, especially the one where people think it’s totally fine to wear sweatpants to the airport. That shit should be illegal if you ask me.
I gotta be honest, this feels like a home run answer I just gave you. My song for you is “He’s a Whore” by Cheap Trick. It is a great song that also messes with cultural norms, right there in the title, in fact.
Chicken or beef,
Dave Hill
