Christmas songs in the Western world tend to be regarded as magical, nostalgic chestnuts, harking back to memories of sepia-toned childhoods, stockings spilling over with candy canes and gift cards and Santa’s chubby footprints trailing up the chimney. But if I never have to hear another “classic carol” again for the rest of my days, those would not be days filled with sadness.
Perhaps in some post-apocalyptic future when I happen to stumble out of the nuclear wasteland into a burned-out, heavily looted Macy’s Starbucks holiday merchandise display area and come across the tattered remains of old sheet music lying in the rubble, I’d lift the tattered notation paper to my face with a mutated, gooey hand and allow a wave of remembrance to wash over me. Perhaps then I’d feel the shudder of something, fight back the warm tears running down my melted “I survived the A-Bomb” face, and let loose a warm rendition of “Deck the Halls” that would flood the abandoned department store with joy and happiness — tinged with a tiny sliver of sorrow and lost innocence. I’d be so blinded by the memories of what once was that my guard would drop and I’d have little to no time to react to the radioactive coyotes that were quietly lurking in the perfume section next to cosmetics. I would be truly consumed by the holiday spirit.
In closing, my pants are on fire. I genuinely love hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” and “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Sir Paul McCartney on repeat. Toss in the entire Chipmunks holiday discography and I’m in heaven. These will most certainly be the songs playing in my head as I’m torn to shreds alongside an unopened pitcher of Frappuccino eggnog mix.
Today, however, it’s all about which songs you want to hear me reinterpret/butcher/desecrate — apocalypse or not — because yesterday, the wonderful Talkhouse head honchos called me into their offices and sat me down to watch a beautifully executed Powerpoint presentation of all the materials they’ve procured to blackmail me with if I don’t cooperate.
So at 3:00 pm EST today, December 10th, I will be happily taking over the Talkhouse Instagram and taking holiday music requests. So light up the Yule log, hit me up on Twitter, Facebook or via telepathy and I will do my best to make your Christmas wishes comes true via 16-second (or less) video clips! Woo hoo!
Disclaimer: I have no idea how to play any of these songs.
