Andrew C. Fisher grew up on the gulf coast of Texas. He studied Philosophy in college, and he has spent most of his adult years trying to figure out how to tell a good story through moving pictures and sound. You can find Thanatos and other work at andrewcfisher.com.
Right after Cacia Zoo popped out of her mom’s womb, she was dancing! She always knew she wanted to be a performer and artist. She visited New York when she turned 16 and took an acting class throughout the summer. After that summer her life was never the same. She went back to Taiwan and came back to New York the first chance she got. Her creativity is versatile and spread through many different mediums. Whether she’s in front of the camera or behind it, with herself or collaborating with others, she has immense passion for performance and art. If she’s not moving or creating, she’s on her way to.
Over the festive break, Talkhouse Film is revisiting some of its most read pieces of the year, including this one. Happy holidays! – N.D.
I care about what people think. Maybe too much. If it seems like I’ve offended or upset someone, it gnaws at me.
When I first met Cacia Zoo, she seemed unencumbered with all that. A bright energy filled her and whatever room she was in, while she did just exactly what she wanted, when she wanted. Toward the end of that first meeting, she said to me, very casually, “My boyfriend tells me I need to find a sub, because he’s tired of getting his balls smacked.”
That set off my imagination. I thought about a couple where the woman engages in BDSM and the man doesn’t. I thought about what would happen if the person they invited into the relationship, the person providing the balls to be smacked, developed a deep connection with the woman. Then we made a short film about it, called Thanatos, and Cacia played one of the leads. For me, it was a straightforward love story.
The reaction surprised me. Some of it was good. So many people enjoyed it and wanted to see more, I was able to raise money to make a continuation of the story, which became a web series. Some of it was … not so good. My mother won’t watch it. After years and years of effort, I finally got people interested in my work, but Mom is not on board with Thanatos. It bothers her in a way I wasn’t anticipating. When I sent her the trailer, she wrote back: “Andrew, what the heck?” I looked at the text, thinking, “What? It’s my latest relationship drama …” A few of my friends were uncomfortable with the image of two people engaging in BDSM. They don’t get worked up about a movie poster showing someone holding a gun – an instrument of violence that is almost never consensual. As long as people are wearing enough clothes, weapons are no problem!
YouTube took Thanatos down for a week for violating their “sex and nudity policy.” I appealed twice, explaining that there was no nudity, not even any sex, and that this was a short film intended to make people think and feel. They eventually put it back up, but the experience left me thinking about how, for many people, there seems to be something fundamentally unsettling about seeing a sensual relationship. In the United States, we’d rather have people fight. They can punch, kick, throw things, knock each other out – that’s all good. That happens in cartoons. But we don’t want to see too much of that intimate stuff.
When I started considering what I wanted to write about with Cacia for this article, I thought about censorship and what makes it unique in the United States. Cacia is in Taiwan visiting family at the moment, so I video-called her to discuss the focus of this piece.
When she picked up, I saw she was on a boat. It sounded like a man was making announcements on a loudspeaker. It was in Mandarin, so I had no idea what he was saying. When I told Cacia I was thinking we could write about the censorship of sex and nudity in the United States, she broke in: “I don’t think the focus should be that. No. Thanatos is not about sex or nudity. It’s BDSM, connection, relationships, power play. I don’t think censorship or nudity are what ought to be the focus.”
I took a breath. Was this only interesting to me because of my own issues? And was she upset right now? “I think we can talk about what you’re saying and put it in the context of censorship,” I told her. “Like, why is it a bigger deal to see people engage in bondage play than it is to see someone being tortured non-consensually …” Cacia stopped me. “Are you talking about the violence thing again? Why are you obsessed with that?”
The noise of the tour guide’s announcements on the boat somehow got louder, then a horn blasted as the boat started moving. The screen became a blur of people and water. “I can’t really hear you,” Cacia said. “I’ll send you something soon.” She waved and our video call ended.
Several days later, I received an email from Cacia. It read:
Who doesn’t want to have their cake and eat it too?
Don’t lie. I bet you do. We’re living in a time where we’re empowered by the ability to choose.
I see more and more people are into the idea of an open relationship; however, I think if anyone wants to start a brand new relationship that way, he or she doesn’t want a relationship in the first place. That’s dating around. A relationship takes commitment. Without some kind of commitment, it’s not a relationship.
That being said, I do think an open relationship can work, if a couple has been monogamous for quite some time. They trust and respect each other deeply. They have solid communication. But no matter how open a relationship is, there are always boundaries and there are always risks. Honestly, no one can guarantee that things won’t go south. One can agree with the ideal of having a primary partner and other side relationships, but the learning process is often ugly. Sometimes you get to a turning point in your primary relationship that you might not be able to get back to.
In Thanatos, Jess wants two boyfriends. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. The two men are very different. They’re a classic alpha male and beta male. And I think, in reality, there are more beta males who are acting like alpha males because of societal pressure. Professional doms often meet married men or men in relationships who are scared to come out of the kink closet to their girlfriends. So in that sense, Aaron [in Thanatos] is really brave to live honestly with his desired role.
Thanatos also explores the intimacy that’s developed through BDSM play, which can be more intense than just fucking right away. BDSM is sexy because it’s the play between being turned on and getting off. Some play can last for days and can even be ingrained into daily life. Couples that experience BDSM are often more in tune with their body and verbally expressive of their desires. Like touching – how long do vanilla couples kiss and make out before intercourse starts? What if that were all you did? What if you thought of smacking as an intense version of touching … and you built different levels of titillation into it? What if you could arouse your partner by eye contact and hair stroking? If you could do that, imagine what would happen when you finally laid your hands on their sensitive spots and genitalia. People who engage in BDSM often don’t have intercourse. They might enjoy edging more than fucking. I’ve learnt it’s very common for BDSM people to separate their mental connection from their physical connection. Sex often compromises the play. Orgasm isn’t the goal. Sustaining arousal is the goal. It can be as intense and as intimate, if not more, than sex, depending on your match. And yes, it can also be super weird and awkward if you’re not connected to who you play with.
I think Thanatos is for everyone who’s sexually curious. It is about open relationships, kinks and much more. It’s not just whips and chains! I think there’s something about each character that people can relate to, even if they’re not interested in open relationships or kinks. Regardless of who or what a person is or where they’re from, we all strive to be free and live in our truth. I hope people can watch the movie and walk away feeling more open and compassionate toward the unknown, whether it be kinky people, alternative lifestyles or even the little pervert inside of them. And lastly, I hope people walk away feeling good and having faith in romance and some kind of serendipitous magic, because hey, if you don’t believe in it, you won’t find it. Go watch Thanatos. And love yourself even more.
I finished the email and signed out of my account. Closing my laptop, I thought about how fortunate I am to have met Cacia. She is fully herself, with very little concern about what other people think. She’s an inspiration to me. I sat there and meditated on that, and as I did, I thought about this piece and couldn’t help but wonder if readers would be turned off by the words “balls” and “fucking.”
Featured image shows Cacia Zoo and Andrew C. Fisher in Thanatos.
