Hot Love: How to Meet a Girl While Listening to Morrissey

Hot Love is a new column by comedian, writer and musician Dave Hill wherein he helps the lovelorn with advice on love, relationships and porking. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Dear Dave,

As an avid baseball fan, I have often wondered: To your knowledge, has any player ever gone on the DL (disabled list) with a broken heart?

Thanks,
Put Me in Coach

Dear Put Me,

It’s funny you ask actually as, yes, this sort of thing happens literally all the time. Compared to most sports, baseball is a relatively low-impact activity, so actual physical injuries are extremely rare. Nine times out of ten, when a player is put on the disabled list, it’s simply because his ass got dumped, he caught his wife in bed with Darryl Strawberry, or he really likes this girl at his local coffee shop or wherever and just can’t get her to notice him for some reason.

Of course, no self-respecting ball club lets this sort of information go public, so instead they just tell everyone the player has a pulled groin, torn rotator cuff or some other bullshit. In fact, as long as I’m on the topic, a broken heart is exactly why the relief pitcher was invented. The year was 1962 and Sandy Koufax was an inning away from pitching yet another game that would leave the Dodgers’ opponent, this time the Cincinnati Reds, scoreless in front of a hometown crowd that had already cheered themselves hoarse by the bottom of the fifth. Sure, one might argue that Koufax walked a couple more than he should have that day, but, generally speaking, it was another one for the books. Then, suddenly, from out of nowhere, Dodgers manager Walter Alston sends Don Drysdale to the mound even though Koufax was still, for the most part, burning the ball past home plate like a goddamn human flamethrower.

Was Alston just giving Koufax some extra rest before the next game? No. Not by a long shot. Turns out that during the seventh inning stretch, this hot dog lady named Karen with whom Koufax had been carrying on the past several weeks in a scenario she would later dismiss as “nothing serious” and “just a bit of fun when I was drunk mostly,” let Koufax know via a crudely written and mustard-stained note she’d slipped to him via the umpire that it was all over. The usually stoic Koufax completely lost it, burying his face in his glove between batters in an attempt to hide his tears that was even sadder than the breakup itself. Seven years later, he would marry Anne Widmark, daughter of movie star Richard Widmark. It pains me to report that that didn’t last long, either.

My song for you is “Your Love” by the Outfield. If you say you don’t like it, deep down inside you’re lying to me and, even worse, you’re lying to yourself.

Best,
Dave

Dear Dave,

How do I find someone to date outside of my group of friends? I’m shy and have trouble meeting people, but I don’t want to jeopardize any of my friendships with women by trying to move into romantic territory. 

Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Somewhere Out There

Dear Somewhere,

I have so been there. When I was in college, I would just get hammered and usually so would everyone else, and things would just sort of work themselves out from there. After just a semester or two, I’d usually end up making out with most of my female friends, their roommates, their landlady, and, in some cases, even their mothers during Parents Weekend. Unfortunately, as you get older, this sort of behavior can lead to talk of an intervention, a restraining order, the occasional lawsuit and, arguably worst of all, a long-term relationship complete with a summer share and everything. In short, you are wise to avoid trying to move into romantic territory with your female friends. It’s just not worth it in the end.

Anyway, I guess the obvious answer as far as what I hear the “kids” and even rapidly aging adults are doing these days goes, is to try Tinder. I’ve never used it myself, but from what I hear, in a matter of minutes you can line up a coffee date, a flirty racquetball match or even a stairwell handjob without even having to leave your block. But I’m guessing maybe you’ve already tried that and perhaps didn’t like it or are a more old-fashioned type like me and don’t want to go that admittedly awesome-in-several-ways route.

So my advice to you is to maybe join a club or group of some sort where you can’t help but meet new people, some of whom will undoubtedly be hot young superfoxes who totally want to make out. There are bird-watching groups, running clubs and even groups for people who love Satan and just want him to tell them what to do. And if none of those three things are up your alley, there are other ones too, I bet. Hop on Craigslist, or maybe just Google “activity groups” in your city and see what pops up. Next thing you know, you’re looking at rare woodpeckers while running a 10k with some smoking hot chick who likes to burn pentagrams on people’s front lawns so much it’s actually kind of weird. In short, you’re welcome.

Anyway, my song for you is “I Know It’s Gonna Happen Someday” by Morrissey. Not a dry seat in the house.

Glad I could help,
Dave

Dear Dave,

Can you please help me come up with something interesting to say in my Tinder profile? I’m usually a funny person, but I can’t come up with anything at all when it comes to selling myself.

Thanks in advance,
The Swipe Machine

Dear Swipe Machine,

Not a problem. If you are a guy, just write, “My other car is a penis.” Not sure who came up with that one first as it’s been around since the Seventies at least, but — trust me — it’s always funny. If you are a woman, try: “Looking for someone to play tennis with. My butt.” Another classic, and it will also let prospective dates know you like to stay active.

My song for you is “Da Butt” by EU. Not entirely relevant, but it just came to mind for some reason. Also, it’s a stone cold jam and you can ask anyone.

Making it look easy,
Dave